Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
