hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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