Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
