Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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