If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
