That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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