Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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