Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So much puke
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
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