Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
