he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
