Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
