so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i think my cat just said my name.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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