I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
