I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
