i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
