New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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