i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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