I'm so fucking centered right now
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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