theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
