Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
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so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
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Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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