I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
