then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
