I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
