I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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