You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
