I just saw a hot homeless man
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
