is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
