you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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