Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
They have beer where we have blood.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
