Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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