I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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