I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
