Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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