I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
