he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
