if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
