I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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