Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
