the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
