Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
