i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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