hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
