There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
