My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
