He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
