you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
