THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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