Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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