We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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