I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
