my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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