Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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