i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
