im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
