chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
True strength comes from lack of pants
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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