i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
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I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
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I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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