I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
