i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
