im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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