oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
