if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize
