Jerry, you need to find god
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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